Staying Sane
by swoonforsirius
Summary: It may have been 11 years but Padfoot and Moony haven't moved on from each other. Sirius is about to escape from Askaban, and Remus is about to take a job at Hogwarts but neither can escape their memories of the past or the promise of a future.


It's been over eleven years. Or so they tell him- he lost count long ago. When they first locked him up he was more than half mad with grief, but somehow he's managed to keep a tether on his sanity. Well, more or less anyway.

Every day and every night he tells himself that he is innocent. The Dementors don't like that thought; it doesn't sustain them the way guilt does. He doesn't think he's entirely innocent, after all he was the one that begged James to use Peter as the secret keeper. Less than two weeks later James and Lily had been dead and Sirius had exploded with grief and anger. He tracked down Peter, determined to make him pay, but Peter had framed him and then killed himself. Over and over again, Sirius couldn't get past the thought that if he hadn't persuaded James to use Peter, James and Lily would still be alive. So Sirius knows he's not all that innocent when it comes down to it.

It's a distinction though, and it keeps the Dementors at bay for a while. But they always come back. They hover outside the bars of his cell, desperate to soak up his despair. That's why long ago he realised that he had to push thoughts of James' and Lily's death from his mind, though he can only do so for a couple of days at a time. He shouldn't be thinking about the deaths of his best friends now, it will only draw the Dementors to him.

Sure enough here they are, pressing against the bars of his cell in desperate attempts to get closer to them. He forces himself to shift into his dog form though the effort nearly kills him. Slowly fur spreads across his skin and his body shifts into animal form. He used to manage the transformation in seconds, now it takes minutes.

His thoughts are simpler as a dog. Think of something happy, he tells himself. His memories of James are drowned in sadness though, and his thoughts of Peter boil with rage. Then think of Remus, he instructs himself, remembering the young man who meant more to him than the rest of the world. James may have been his best friend, but Remus had been his everything.

Bringing up a memory when his furry canine body is breaking out in a cold sweat is hard but he manages it. He manages to let the memory of a day long ago, when he was a seventh year at Hogwarts, play though his mind. It seems so distant: a different person, a different life. It reminds him of who he is when he had been so close to forgetting…

_Sirius had been bored. To be fair, that's how many of his best stories started out: Sirius' boredom. It was a Thursday night and none of his fellow marauders had been around. He knew Prongs was off with Lily but had no clue where Moony or Wormtail were. Deciding on impulse that he could use a few measures of firewhiskey, he headed for the secret passage behind the mirror on the fourth floor. The passage behind the one-eyed witch was closer to the common room but Sirius was in no hurry._

_Without the map- which Prongs had borrowed for the night- he had no way to ensure he wouldn't be caught out of bed past curfew but that didn't stop him from wandering slowly through the corridors. He approached the mirror without incident and took out his wand. Then he paused when he heard voices. _

_As far as Padfoot was aware, nobody other than the marauders (and, he suspected, Lily) knew about the secret passages out of the school. He tried to eavesdrop but the walls were too thin to make out anything more than a murmur. Bugger it, he was going to have to go in blind. _

_He tapped the mirror once then swung it open just a crack. Silently he eased his way in and raised his wand. The scene before him made Sirius drop the wand. It hit the floor with a loud 'thud'._

_Remus and another guy, who Sirius thought might be called Percy, sprang apart. Moony ran his hands through his hair awkwardly as he turned to look at Sirius with an almost guilty expression. Sirius was too stunned to say a thing. Moony had first told the rest of the gang that he was into guys as well as girls in their fifth year but this was the first time Sirius had actually seen him kissing somebody._

"_I'm sorry." Moony piped up while Sirius was still trying to sort through his confused mess of feelings._

"_For what?" He managed to ask past a sudden lump in his throat. _

"_For showing Percy the secret passage."_

_Oh right, Sirius had forgotten that they had sworn an oath saying they wouldn't reveal the locations of the secret passageways. He shrugged half-heartedly._

_Seeming concerned at Sirius' lack of words, Moony turned to Percy. "Do you mind excusing us? I need to talk to Sirius alone."_

_With an angry huff, Percy stormed off muttering about needy friends. Sirius growled low in his throat as Percy passed by him before turning back to study Moony._

"_Are you mad at me?" Remus asked, running his hand through his hair again, making it stick out wildly. It was a habit they had all picked up from James when situations were tense._

"_No." He wasn't, or at least Sirius didn't think he was. He was feeling put out about something, though he couldn't place what._

"_I don't ever think I've seen you speechless before." That earned a bark of laugh from him. It was true; Sirius was always the one with a witty retort for every situation._

"_Is it because of Percy? I thought you were ok with me being…" Moony trailed off nervously._

_Sirius rolled his eyes back at Remus. That definitely wasn't it. It was more like this was the first time he'd ever seen Moony with a guy and the reality of it hit him hard because deep down in his chest, Sirius felt _jealous. _Jealous of that guy who was in no way good enough to even breathe the same air as Moony._

_Sirius ran a hand through his own hair, not knowing what to do or what to say. How did you tell your best friend that you were jealous that he was kissing someone other than yourself? He was pretty sure that wouldn't go down well. Then again, he'd never know if he didn't take a chance. Just say it, he told himself, worry about the consequences later. That was pretty much Sirius' motto in life: worry about it later._

"_Maybe I was jealous." It came out more sullenly than Sirius' had meant it to but that couldn't be helped. Moony's eyes widened comically. If it had been any other situation Sirius would have laughed at Remus for it._

"_J-jealous? Why would you be jealous?"_

_Sirius shrugged again, he be damned if he knew. Up until five minutes ago Sirius hadn't thought of any guy in a 'more than friends' way._

_Remus' eyes pierced Sirius, scrutinising him in a way that made him shift uncomfortably on his feet._

"_Jealous because you want to kiss me? Because you can if you want."_

_Sirius had known Remus for almost seven years now and he knew how much effort it would have taken the shy guy to say those words. So, abandoning the consequences for a later date, Sirius did just that. He took the two steps needed towards Remus and pressed their lips together._

_Sirius swallowed Moony's gasp of surprise and pressed his tongue into Moony's mouth eagerly. He felt Moony respond, their tongues pressing against one another's in a fiery duel. Finally they broke apart and Sirius rested his forehead against Remus', panting for breath._

"_What was that?" Moony asked breathlessly._

"_I'll be damned if I know. But I liked it."_


End file.
